You probably know that the best thing to do is not to travel or do a big family Thanksgiving. The CDC says you shouldnt do it. Epidemiologists say you shouldnt do it. BuzzFeed says you shouldnt do it. Even if your heart is crying out for human connection, your brain knows you shouldnt.
This post isnt about if you should (you shouldnt). This post is about how to reach out to family and loved ones this holiday via that most American of ways faded celebrities.
What better way to say sorry I wont be home for Thanksgiving, I don’t want to kill grandma than with a Cameo? This holiday season, people across the United States are discovering the particular magic, once reserved for Hollywood writers, that comes from putting the words in the mouths of attractive people you vaguely remember from television.
Cameo, of course, is the service where C- through Z-list celebrities will send a personalized video message for a modest sum. You just find the celeb you want, fill out a request with a name and a few details, and within five days you get a video. Most celebs range from around $100-$250. The better-known people charge more, but there are plenty of budget-friendly options. Like Bob Clendenin (youd know him if you saw him), who you can hire to let your family know what terrible decisions theyve made for a mere $30.
Theres plenty of precedent here if you are feeling uncertain. The guy who plays Commander of the Nights Watch in Game of Thrones telling a girl she should give her ex-boyfriend another chance? $50 well spent! Michael Cohen telling someone his brother wants him to get the motivation to start working out again? You cant put a price on that (although Trumps former attorney will charge $100). The lead singer of the Spin Doctors congratulating you on finishing chemo and singing, if you/want to finish chemo/just go ahead now. For $299 Carole Baskins will congratulate the compliance team at your office! You can even get Insane Clown Posses Shaggy 2 Dope to insult your old boss.
So, go ahead, and grace your holiday un-gathering with the closest thing our modern world has to divinity. Yes, your mom is heartbroken that you wont be there. It would take an eloquence you never learned and an emotional openness the world has burned away to heal that wound. So forget that! Theres no better way to laugh away those decades-old tensions than with the words of a desperate meat puppet.
That’s what I’ll be doing.
This year, my family is staying home, instead of convening at my sister-in-laws like we usually do. And so I ordered her and my brother-in-law a Cameo from former MTV VJ Riki Rachtman saying I will be missing my sister-in-laws famous spinach balls. As of this story’s publication, Rachtman, who is no Adam Curry, has yet to deliver. Riki, if you’re reading this, chop chop.
Im certainly not the only one with this plan. Here is James Van Der Beek wishing someones mom a happy Thanksgiving from their family.
Please, this year stay home, stay safe, and support your local celebs.